


Stopping Five Things

by Elfwreck



Category: Star Trek AOS
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Gen, Gift Fic, Meta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-06-24
Updated: 2009-06-24
Packaged: 2017-10-02 10:14:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elfwreck/pseuds/Elfwreck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The ST_XI_KINK community on LJ got too many "five things" fics, and someone demanded, <a href="http://community.livejournal.com/st_xi_kink/2494.html?thread=5969854#t5969854">COULD WE STOP WITH THE '5 THINGS _____, AND THE ONE _______" PROMPTS ALREADY??? JFC.</a></p><p>On the theory that any top-level comment was, in fact, a prompt, I wrote this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stopping Five Things

Kirk tried not to roll his eyes as Spock approached; he had that "this is _official business_" look on his face. _Boring_ official business.

"Captain, I must protest a misuse of ship's resources." Yes, that was the usual opening line.

"What… misuse?" Kirk asked. He wondered if Spock had finally discovered Scotty's still, or Sulu's special "herb" garden. Or McCoy's collection of interesting hyposprays, most of which, he readied himself to declare, were legal. At least, legal if you were more than three parsecs from a Federation starbase.

"I wish to bring to your attention a number of inappropriate uses of the ship's messaging system."

"Messaging system," Kirk repeated, to buy time. He frantically tried to remember if the Eccentrica Gallumbits vids had been exchanged by email.

"I have been added to the recipient list of a large number of… lists," Spock continued. "

"Lists, Mister Spock? I don't think I follow you."

Spock pulled up his PADD, tapped it with a stylus, and started to read: "Five Ways to Disable A Klingon Using Only A Bra. The Five Best Bars At Argo Port. Seven Ways to Dismantle A Magnetic Lock. Five Hallucinogenic Drinks Made From Replicated Ingredients. Three Locations At Starfleet Academy Where Two Cadets and a Blanket Can Hide Overnight. Five Override Codes--"

"Oh. Ah. _Those_ lists." Kirk thought fast. "Those are part of our new education and security plan."

Eyebrow. Always, the damn eyebrow.

"Education and security… plan, Captain?"

"Sure," Kirk continued glibly. "McCoy and I decided that the crew needed education in a number of… less academic subjects. And in the interest of keeping to small, easily-absorbed lessons, we settled on informative lists."

"Captain, I do not believe these lists are intended to be educational. Some of them seem… illegal."

"Well, you can't stop crime if you don't know how it's done, can you?"

"I fail to understand how distributing a selection of override codes for the video monitors at Starfleet Academy's showers will 'stop crime.'"

"We have a very creative crew, Spock. Don't underestimate them."

Spock looked pained. "Captain, I believe you are attempting to distract me from the purpose of this discussion. The distribution of these lists through the ship's PADD messaging system is an unnecessary drain on ship's resources, and they contain material inappropriate for Starfleet officers."

"You would prefer we limited them to the enlisted men?"

"Certainly not! They should be discontinued entirely!"

Kirk thought for a moment, considering Chekov's programming skills. "Spock, I will take steps to make sure no future lists are sent through the PADD messaging system.."

"Thank you, Captain. I appreciate your consideration." Spock turned and left.

Kirk sighed. Chekov would just have to get creative with the console messages. And when Kirk found out who added Spock to #EPRISE LISTS, he was going to make a new list: Five Places That Bruises Don't Show While Wearing A Regulation Uniform.

**Author's Note:**

> Others are encouraged to create their own Lists Of [Five] Things Discussed In Enterprise Emails:
> 
> Five Vulcan erogenous zones. Seven bawdy songs guaranteed to get you laid. Five ways to contact Ace Rimmer. Five brothels you can only visit by illegal time travel. Four secret entrances to Romulan high command officers' bedrooms. Six ways to convince low-tech natives that you're a god. Five Federation starships with hot tubs on board. Five Thermian sex tricks (usable on any tentacled race, really). Five non-regulation uses for sonic screwdrivers.


End file.
